We'll take whoever shows up, but to vote in elections, you have to have gone, in uniform, to 3 football games (and at least one practice in each of the weeks leading up to the 3 football games) within the previous year unless you're special. To do things like ride the bus and come to our meetings, you have to go to one of the above schools. Members must be either male or female (strap-on genitalia acceptable, even encouraged, but not provided). The Membership of the Marching Band shall provide for the election of the following officers, elected in the following order, at some date after the second-to-last football game and before the last football game. Positions cannot be shared. If you need help, delegating responsibilities is fine.

Head Manager:

Responsible for bureaucratic and managerial side of the bored. Keep band running at cost to own personal health, academic record, sanity, and love life. Responsible for scheduling events, keeping the bored working together, and maintaining communication. Official student representative to Administration, Athletics, and alumni. Go to the Ivy Bands Conference, but do not take a taxi. Responsible for use of Band's name. Be anal. Not a secretary, slave, or administrative assistant.

Drum Major:

Responsible for performance. Wave arms. Tights optional. Runs rehearsal. Responsible for helping to find someone to transcribe music. Works with the Poet Laureate on field shows.

Poet Laureate:

Responsible for writing the scripts, keeping the old scripts in his or her desk drawer. Get sad when stuff gets cut. In charge of planning out formations. Comes up with clever euphemisms for "the band now forms a penis." Posts said scripts on that Internet thingy.

Spirit Manager:

Responsible for maintaining the Oral Tradition (and we mean oral) at Band events. Bring the candle. Organizes social gatherings.

Minister of Propaganda:

Responsible for any tree based products including schedules, posters, officer lists and things, creating tri-folds, posting posters, advertising, and recruitment paraphernalia. Buys this awesome fluorescent orange postering tape they used to sell at 307 Canal Street. Also responsible for making sure that someone takes care of everything we do on that Internet thingy. Sucks. The phrase "media whore" just about sums it up.

Operations Manager:

Knows where the band is and where it's going. Call people before events. Make bandies' roommates hate you. Make sure other schools know we're coming and find out how long our shows are. Make sure visiting bands know how to get here and what to do once they arrive. Clean up the stands. Call the Cottage. Arrange for someone to get the press pass for each game. Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag. Bring a map.

Treasurer:

Knows how much money we have. Decides how much money to spend, and what to spend it on. E-mail Theresa. E-mail Theresa. Call Theresa. Go to her office. Be frugal.

Equipment Manager:

Responsible for Band-owned instruments, uniforms, and associated hardware. Know where you left 'em, know what's wrong with 'em. Hire men with funny accents to go get them from people. Responsible for obtaining and submitting price quotes for instruments, instrument repairs, and uniforms. Won't transport your junk to and fro the shop. Maintain a working knowledge of equipment inventory. Distribute uniforms and instruments. Not responsible for picking up any equipment at a personal cost and should not use personal funds to pay for equipment. Not the band's bitch. Put away your own instrument.

So who can run, you ask? Anyone who can vote, basically, though we'd like to point out that things like Spirit Manager and Head Manager aren't things first-years are necessarily the best choice for. Anyone you can swindle into doing the job is generally a good choice. If you would be terribly hurt by losing an election, you probably shouldn't run. Malicious campaigning activities are frowned upon, and anyone who leaves Band because of the way elections go is a jerk. A majority of those in attendance at the election is needed to win. Runoffs should be held as necessary. The Drum Major shall assume his or her duties immediately upon election, while all others assume their duties at halftime of the last football game of the season. The new and old managing boreds will work in conjunction until Christmas, or December 25^th for you Orthodox Jews. The Bored shall meet weekly on Thursdays during football season and fortnightly during basketball season. The bored should meet at least once a month during the rest of the year. Any smartass who asks if summer and winter breaks are "the rest of the year" can take a cab up to New Haven and drink from Dan Binder's phallus. Bored members show up to everything.

Article the Second:

To insure the originality of Band Humor, there will be no sanctioned excerpts from Monty Python, Jim Lehrer, "This is Spinal Tap," or anything very science-fictiony. Douglass Adams' works count as "very science-fictiony." Now that "The Simpsons" writers suck floppy donkey dick, it (along with "South Park") is also forbidden. Columbia != Colombia. Should any maggot fall in violation with these terms, he/she shall be banished to no less than three overnight Magic: The Gathering trips with the Games Club. The use of Top Ten lists in band scripts is strictly forbidden.

The Band will sing on all bus rides leaving Columbia (except Brown). You will NEVER sing Don McLean. Nothing will open before the band crosses 125^th street (or 110^th for trips south).

Fuck "Knocking".

The Band will surf during the percussive interlude in "Wipeout." Also, no citizen will be forced to quarter British soldiers to lodge in his/her dorm room.

Headgear of no kind shall be worn during the official performance of either the "Star Spangled Banner" or "Sans Souci." Yarmulkes are considered headgear.

The Band will perform the night before the Organic Chemistry Final at 11:59 p.m. in the College Reading Room of Butler Library, the Van Am Quad, in front of President Lee (and whoever he's sleeping with)'s house, Wien, the Barnard Quad and Furnald Lawn. Watch out for falling objects.

Article the Eighth:

The Brown Band is a bunch of geeks, but at least Kyle boned the V.P.. Harvard needs to untuck their polo shirts, Yale is garbage and Princeton is merely okay. Dartmouth is a bunch of losers, but they got up to make us pancakes even though we were too drunk to eat them. Cornell (still) needs an enema. And that's everyone. Yep, every other school in the Ivy League.

Stew Leonard's shall be visited at least once on each trip to the North of New York City. In Connecticut, take I-95 to exit 16, follow the signs to Route l, and look for the Cow that goes "Moo!". For Cornell, Yonkers is dope. Take I-87 to exit 6A onto Stew Leonard Drive. Take a left at the end of the exit ramp and proceed straight to the top of the hill. YOU CAN'T MISS US!!!

You may be winning, but you suck as people (circa 20^th Century)

Membership may immediately be revoked. . . If you want to throw someone out of something more important, like an actual position, either the entire rest of the bored (i.e. seven people) or two-thirds of the band has to agree. This means a general meeting (a "Thursday" meeting, if you will), with the issue announced beforehand. If someone leaves a position for any reason (for example, impeachment, resignation, death), you have to wait a week, but no longer than 2 weeks, to vote on his or her replacement. In the interim, the bored will appoint a replacement.

The old gigantic bass drum and the sousaphone do not fit through the revolving turnstile-cage-thing at the 215th street subway station.

Amending this baby. Amendments can be proposed by any plebe, but it takes a three-fourths Managing Bored vote to approve it. If the Band thinks the Bored has just gone out of their respective heads, they can do a veto thing, with a two-thirds majority. That's democracy, folks. A review of the Constitution should be done yearly, near the end of the present bored's term in office.

No videos should be watched on the band bus. Trust us. But, if you're stupid enough to insist otherwise, watch porn. The majority picks the movie.

The Bored member who has spent the fewest number of years at CU and who lives closest to Appletree is in charge of buying the bagels, cream cheese and orange juice for the band before football games. Each of the other bored members is expected to help at least once during the season. Operations will never have anything to do with bagels.

Article the Sixteenth:

Necessary appointed, non-Bored positions shall be created at the discretion of the Bored. A simple majority is required. A separate vote shall be taken by the Bored on who's gonna do the job at the start of the academic year. Anyone can submit nominations. If an appointed position is vacated, a temporary replacement shall be appointed by that Bored member under whose auspices the position resides, and a Bored vote must be taken as soon as humanly possible to fill the position permanently. The current appointed positions are: Scriptreader, under the auspices of the Poet Laureate, and Section Leaders, under the Drum Major, Music Librarian, under the auspices of the Drum Major, Webmaster under the auspices of the Minister of Propaganda, and Recruitment Coordinator under the auspices of the Propaganda Minister. Section leaders should be different from bored members except when this is unavoidable.

If you play the trumpet, but you're a miscie, you're an asshole.

Keep your damn frat shit out of our band.

Article the twelfth is hereby repealed.

Chris Lee is a trooper.

Stealing underwear = important.

Drinking.

1. Whereas, Beer is cheapest at Rite Aid e.g. Natty Ice, but, when you can afford it, tap the Rockies.
2. Whereas, Appletree is not allowed to card for beer and the liquor store at 124^th and Broadway doesn't care.
3. Whereas, The liquor store at Baker Field is at Broadway and 207^th St.
4. Whereas, Take 1 2-liter bottle of coke. Drink to label. Fill with choice of 80 + proof liquor. Either Boca Chica or Jim Beam's your best bet.
5. Whereas, At least 30% of the Band must be drinking on any Band trip or the bus must immediately turn around and go home. The Band must immediately be disbanded. You may not pass GO or collect $200. The Jackie Robinson Marching Band is thereafter responsible for all halftime entertainment.
6. Whereas, "Ladled, ladled, ladled."
7. Whereas, Drink to forget the scores. Trust us.
8. Whereas, Don't be obvious about drinking in uniform and never drink in the dugout. These are very costly mistakes.
9. Whereas, The last row of seats on the Band bus is reserved for an open bar on all away trips.
10. Whereas, You don't ever have to drink, but all the cool kids are doing it.

Do not expect a reimbursement. Ever.

Article the fourth is hereby repealed.

Try to perform at the following events: Class Act, the Underground Tour at Orientation, all football games, the library, all men's and women's basketball games, April Fools Day, the Yiddish Cabaret, the library (again), and Alumni Weekend. Never again ask Len Fine if you can play in his Chemistry class. You are invited and encouraged to attend. Play at as many other sports games as you can. We used to do Barnard Founders' Day, but that's up to you. Try for Tax Day and Days on Campus. Whatever you do, make as much noise as possible.